Fundamental Desires

Since our emotional well-being is totally dependent upon what desires we set for ourselves, the management of those desires becomes a crucial skill for maintaining and enhancing that well-being. We can divide our desires into four main groups:

• Objective desires
• Needs
• Beliefs
• Expectations

Each desire that we hold acts as a constraint upon our emotional well-being and so firstly we require a conscious awareness of these desires.

Objective Desires

These are generally real world outcomes of a physical nature, such as acquiring possessions and material resources and achieving certain experiences. Objective desires generally relate to setting things to do and then getting them done. Very often we set desires that we cannot obtain in the moment of desiring them and so the emotional guidance system generates negative emotions because we have not obtained the real world result in that moment. The key to feeling good whilst progressing towards highly sought after desires is to set small objectives that are easy to do in the moment and incrementally take you to final fulfilment of the objective.

Needs

Whenever we create a desire that we can only fulfil through the actions and results of someone or something else then we also create a need. These needs lie at the root of most neurotic behaviour because when we cannot control the fulfilment of our desires through our own personal abilities we start to become a little bit fraught. The level of intensity of that reaction depends upon how much value we put upon the fulfilment of that need in order to feel good, or at least not to feel bad. If we have a lot of needs then we feel negative emotions most of the time because we have little or no control over the fulfilment of those desires in reality and we will receive constant negative feedback and negative emotions from our guidance system because of this.

Beliefs

In order to deal with unknown causes, a lack of knowledge or uncertain outcomes we often create or adopt beliefs. These beliefs are mental constructs that we hold onto in order to have some sense of predictability, reason or sustenance for those times when the odds seem stacked against us. Consequently they also set up desires against which we measure real world results and so as a result we must take great care over what beliefs we create and what beliefs we choose to adopt. Holding unquestioned beliefs can lead to a lot of difficulty in attempting to reconcile real world results against beliefs that have not correctly predicted or caused a desired result. The best way to deal with this is to take a scientific approach and turn beliefs into theories that can be tested. The results of these tests will give better systems of prediction and causality to live by. Theories or beliefs that cannot be conclusively tested should not be depended upon to fulfil desires. In this way we remain level headed and do not set desires that cannot be fulfilled and hence we protect our emotional well-being.

Expectations

Expectations act as constraints upon our assessment and interpretation of an event. They set up little desires as to the quality and nature of what we do or what we experience. Consequently they often set up conflicting desires that make fulfilment difficult, if not totally impossible, and can often lead to not feeling good even when an important objective desire has been fulfilled. They tend to determine whether we feel satisfied once an objective desire has been fulfilled.

We tend to absorb or evolve a lot of our expectations rather than consciously forming them. We decide on “what’s right and what’s wrong” by observing and picking up signals from the people and culture around us as well as from personal experience on what makes a satisfying result. Unlike objective desires, needs or beliefs, things that we can readily identify and change, we often don’t become aware of our expectations until they result in negative emotions triggered by our emotional guidance system due to non-fulfilment. At this point it is too late to counteract them before they occur but once recognised we can change the ‘must have’ expectations to preferences. We do this by thinking, “Although I would have preferred Factor A to have occurred it didn’t and I accept that reality. Even so, I still fulfilled my prime desire and a lot of other preferences.”

User Manual

Unfortunately, we are not born with a user manual that tells us what all the emotional warning signs are caused by. As a result, few of us know the root cause of our emotional upsets and so we spend vast quantities of time and effort reacting to our emotions and seeking relief from them. This is ineffective because without getting to the root cause we solve nothing and so the symptoms come back again and again and again. Conscious management of desires to ensure that desires set are desires that can be fulfilled brings massive relief from upset and dealing with upset. Once you do that consistently you free up time and resource to develop the capabilities that enhance your ability to fulfil greater desires.

Expert from: Fundamental Insights Into Better Living

Mapping your life path

While a career may play an important role in your life, it is not the sole, or even the most important aspect of your future. Many people put their all into career development and neglect other aspects of their life which as a result can create feelings of emptiness and loneliness. It is a great feeling to excel in your chosen career but in all reality your work is simply what you do, it is not the center of your life. Your life will be much more fulfilling if you view your career or your work as a means of support for your life rather than seeing it as the center of your life or your purpose. Think about it. If your career is what you live for, what are you going to do when you retire or if you become disabled and can’t work? Will your life lose all its meaning?

Achieving balance in your life can help to avoid complete devastation. There are several areas of your life that require attention. These areas fall into five broad categories:

1. Personal

2. Professional

3. Familial

4. Spiritual

5. Community

The personal areas of your life deal with your needs, desires and passions – the things that give you personal satisfaction.
This area may include things like physical fitness, your home and surroundings, travel, recreational activities, pets, friends, romance, your social life, your appearance, and so forth. Some people are somewhat selfish and put their personal needs and desires above all else, but many people sacrifice their personal needs in order to fulfill their responsibilities in all other aspects of their life. Neither of these extremes are healthy. Personal needs and desires deserve adequate attention and you should not feel guilty for putting your personal needs above others at times. At the same time, you should not be selfish and inflexible to the point that others are negatively affected.

The professional aspects of your life may bring you personal satisfaction, but there is a fine line between personal and professional areas of your life.
It is not uncommon for people who derive personal satisfaction from their careers to become workaholics and for those who do not find their work to be personally satisfying to become lazy and unmotivated. Again, these are both extremes that should be avoided. Professional development and being the best that you can be in your chosen career makes you feel good about yourself and will likely lead to career advancement which will enable you to provide the financial support that you need to fulfill other needs in your life. This is good as long as there is a balance and other aspects of your life are not neglected.

Familial aspects of your life deal with your family (Both the family you have now and the family you may have in the future including a spouse, children and maybe eventually grandchildren)
There can be extremes in this area as well as individuals can become so centered on their family that the loss of a family member can make them feel like life is not worth living. On the other hand, a person may neglect the familial aspects of their life taking their family for granted which can eventually leave them filled with guilt for not spending enough time with individuals in their family. Life is busy and individuals have many different things they are involved in. In any case; however, it is important to spend time with your family and to cherish each and every member of your family while you have them.

Spiritual aspects of a person’s life are another area that is sometimes neglected.
Spirituality means different things to different people. To many people religious beliefs are their spiritual focus. Others may gain spiritual satisfaction from nature or just from exercising their personal values or doing good deeds. Whatever your source of spirituality, it is an area of your life that deserves attention.

Community is the fifth area of focus that can lead to fulfillment.
We are all affected by the community in which we live and we all have various levels of concern regarding it. Your community interests may be narrow, with the greatest concerns for your neighborhood or your town, or they may be expansive with concern for the state, the nation or even the world. Whatever your level of community interest is, contributing to the community in any way that you can generates personal satisfaction. This satisfaction may come from voting, serving in a public office, participating in community improvement efforts, or simply voicing your concerns.

Every individual has some interest in these five areas though for some one area may be more intense than others. Whatever the case, you will find happiness and fulfillment from achieving a balance that is right for you between each of these areas of your life. Throughout your life, be cautious about extremes. Be sure that you don’t spend all of your time and energy on one area of your life while neglecting the others. It may not be evident at the time, but if you go to extremes, down the road you will likely have many regrets.





Excerpt From: moneyinstructor.com

What matters most?

All relationships are put to the fire. There is no such thing as a constantly happy couple. There is no such thing as a constantly happy relationship. All of us, at one point in our affairs will have to face a cleansing process which, hopefully, will make better persons out of us.

Let us always remember that our relationships are put to the test to make stronger and better persons out of us. Second to love, the next most important ingredient of a successful relationship is communication. Many would agree that there are certain things in a relationship that are better kept unsaid. But I don't believe in that. The moment we lie about our feelings or the wrong that we have done, we begin to build a wall of bricks around ourselves. Every time we hide something out of fear, we add a brick to that wall.

Soon we will be total strangers to the very people we vowed to be with the rest of our lives. We will start to hurt inside until we can no longer bear the pain. Until we regretfully give up the very relationships that we wanted to keep.

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. If we cannot bravely express our innermost fears, doubts, and insecurities to the people we love then our ties are doomed to fail sooner or later. I would rather be hurt by a person who is honest than be hurt in by someone who betrayed my trust. Many couples suffer in silence because they are afraid that opening up would just make things worst. They keep their feelings to themselves until their affection towards each other diminishes to the point where separation becomes inevitable.

Remember, there is no burden so heavy that it cannot be lightened by an open, honest and peaceful exchange of thoughts and feelings. Fights are inevitable.

Oftentimes, we hurt those we love because we insist on protecting our own feelings. Selfishness is a poison that recklessly kills relationships. It is only when we set aside our pride, arrogance and anger that we are able to deal with raging emotions sensibly and peacefully. There would be a lot of times when we would be tempted to think only of the things that would make us happy. The joy we get from satisfying only our own want is happiness that we deprive others of. Our joy becomes our partner’s pain and our rise becomes their fall.

Some relationships survived difficult trials. By listening to what each of them were trying to say they gained another all important ingredient, understanding. They became aware of what was going on within the heart of their partner because they talked about their feelings. Perhaps selfishness my have been responsible for a fair amount of pain and hurt. But the pain felt was washed away by the fact that love, among all the feelings that they shared, still remained the strongest pillar with which they have built their relationship on.

Indeed, beautiful things will always be built of the foundations of pain. We are strengthened by adversity and seasoned by trials in our relationships. It is not how much pain we feel that matters. What matters is that we are able find a space in our hearts to forgive those who have hurt us. It is not how hard we have stumbled that matters. What matters is that we muster enough courage to stand on our feet and try again. It doesn't matter if we have found love and lost it. What matters more is the joy that feeling brought us. What matters most is that we loved at all.